How to Support a Grieving Person
A friend who runs a stationery company recently asked me to write about my experience with grief, so I thought I’d post it here as well.
Grief is a topic that freaks a lot of people out and it doesn’t have to.
Based on my experience of losing both parents at the same time due to a sudden accident, here are some suggestions on how to support a grieving person:
Do not ask them to decide things whenever possible. Avoid phrases like "do you need to ___?" Instead, simply put on your empathy pants and take action. Many people don't want to overstep or overwhelm, but that tends to create a vacuum between positive intentions and actual actions.
Reduce their mental load whenever possible. A grieving brain is in a state of shock and seemingly simple decisions are insanely hard.
Send a card as the bare minimum. Do not expect a response. Try this company if you’re in need of a meaningful card.
A care package is a nice step up. What items would bring some comfort, however small or fleeting? Their favorite tea, a gift card for food, etc. You know the grieving person so pick things they would like.
Call them. Texting is super impersonal. If they don't answer, leave a caring message and don't expect a call back. Expecting a grieving person to take initiative on things like making calls is unfair. As a support person, take the initiative. It's easier to answer a ringing phone than to make a call. Human connection is the buoy that can keep a grieving person afloat.
Everyone Experiences Grief
Grief happens when the life you want is no longer an option. This looks many different ways. EVERYONE experiences grief. Until it happens to you, you don't see it coming.
Even though grief is a universal experience, our culture avoids talking about it and that is insane. Follow instagram accounts like https://www.instagram.com/refugeingrief/ to learn more about how different facets of what people experience.
I've started a book called Finding the Words by Colin Campbell. The title jumped out at me because so often people say "I have no words." That is not a comforting thing to hear. It shuts down a conversation.
You Cannot Trigger Me
People think asking questions about a dead person will be triggering, but that is erroneous. The only thing that helps me feel better is talking about how wonderful my parents are, memories we shared, places we traveled. (Read more here.) Also, hearing stories that other people share about my parents makes me smile. Talking about them keeps their memory alive.
Ask Follow Up Questions
Talking with other grieving people, I've learned that asking follow up questions is a super helpful way to keep a conversation flowing. If I messaged about something making me sad, the person who asked a follow up question helped me flow through the feeling. Alternatively, receiving an emoji just stops the conversation.
For example, I spent the day with my 2nd cousin taking lots of pictures of bizarre plants. Afterward, I realized that was something I did a lot with my mom, which made me sad. A friend asked the follow-up question: what are some of the favorite plants that I saw? This allowed me to share more about what made the experience bittersweet. It was very helpful.
Try, Try Again
I think people who have experienced grief seem to have a 6th sense about these kinds of things. They aren't hard for others to replicate. Give it a try!
Revisiting Grief
Early on, I made this Instagram reel that reached 32k people. It was raw and hard to do, but also helpful for me to channel the intense sadness. Based on the many comments, a lot of people resonated with my message. The takeaway is that everyone is different. My needs shift day to day, month to month. I will keep revisiting my grief and advocating for what I need from people around me.
